Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
