I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I will be naked everywhere
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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