wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
