Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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