You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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