Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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