My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
