Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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