after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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