he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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