umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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