That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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