I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
