im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
