Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you would pick up someone in the library
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
