I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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