Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize