I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
