which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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