I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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