I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i dont even know how to be here
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
