the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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