I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
