she told me i tasted like america
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize