got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
