My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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