I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
