I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
