I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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