kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
