you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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