I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
