Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
