Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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