Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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