My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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