I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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