If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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