i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
