Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
