I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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