He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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