dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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