then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
