Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
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