I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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