We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
