so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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