Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
