dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You took a bar mat shot.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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