When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
