Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize