I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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