when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
