They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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