Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
