I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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