What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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