Umm I'm too high to move.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
